Getting Unstuck and Way Finding
I know that I am not always tuned into many of the current and not so-current social media outlets, but I recently discovered a CBC Radio Podcast that was new, at least to me. “How to live your best in 2018: Hidden Brain with an episode called “getting Unstuck”. Many of the ideas were in fact presented by authors already in 2016. But the ideas caught me as particularly bright. Maybe because they resonated with ideas that I had thought and expressed some years ago.
The program talked about “Getting Unstuck”- getting unstuck regarding your career, your life path, your destination. I feel that especially as we focus this year on “Year of Oblate Vocations”, it might assist us in our approach to young men who we might think have a vocation to religious missionary life.
The podcast asserts, “At one time or another, many of us feel stuck: in the wrong job, the wrong relationship, the wrong city – the wrong life.
The program went on to say that engineers and designers often face similar challenges when it comes to designing new products. How do you build something when you don’t know what to build?
Dave Evans used to work in Silicon Valley. “Before you do problem solving you have to do problem finding,” Dave says. You have to ask, “What’s the right thing to be working on?”
The engineers build a couple of prototypes to see what users prefer. This approach is called design thinking. A few years ago, Dave says he realized that design thinking might be useful outside the tech world, too. He started teaching a course at Stanford University called “Designing Your Life”. Many of his students come to him saying they don’t know what to do with their lives. They want to find the “right” answer. He tells them, ‘There is more than one you in there.’
I find this thought is so refreshing. So often I find that we speak of a vocation as being the “one and only path” that has been pre-ordained by God for a person and if by chance you miss your vocation certainly you miss your happiness and that “life to the full” that Christ came to bring. I have often thought that there is more “than one of me in here”. I could have been a single social worker. I could have been a married plumber with five children. I could have become an international development worker. But through the influence of my faith family, the example of my Oblate pastors and encouragement of friends and formators I became a member of a Religious Congregation, an Oblate of Mary Immaculate and a missionary. At various stages along the way I saw what was being created and I said, “It was good”. I learned to love and embrace the path I walked, but it is not the only path that I might have followed to contribute to the world and bring me life and honor God on top of that.
“So, the problem with the current approach that lots of people are taking,” Dave Evans says, “is it starts with the wrong question. And the wrong question is, how do I figure out that one, best solution to my life?”
Design thinking is about recognizing your constraints, realizing there isn’t just one answer. Don’t waste time on the wrong problems but rather to focus on the right ones. Especially avoid what this school of thought call “gravity problems”.
Gravity problems are, not real problems. Why? Because in life design, if it’s not actionable, it’s not a problem… It’s a situation, a circumstance, a fact of life. It may be a drag (so to speak), but, like gravity, it’s not a problem that can be solved.”
It is not a matter of being lazy or unimaginative. A lot of people get stuck in gravity problems that hinder their efforts to work on problems that are more actionable, measurable and sustainable.
Why is it so important to identify if we are stuck in a “gravity problem”? What does a “gravity problem” look like?
- Hoping for a promotion from a supervisor that consistently overlooks your abilities.
- Waiting for someone to apologize to you before you can move forward emotionally.
- Determining that if she doesn’t find me attractive my life can have no meaning
A lot of energy can be expended spinning wheels on these. If one comes to accept as fact, the actual constraints and circumstances that limit us, this does not hinder one from one’s dreams but helps one move forward in actually pursuing them. Don’t fight “gravity problems”. Evans and Burnett, co-author of “Designing you Life”, argue that, “If you become open-minded enough to accept reality, you’ll be freed to reframe an actionable problem and design a way to participate in the world on things that matter to you and might even work.”
Gravity problems tend to paralyze us and distract us from healthy actions that can help us pursue achievable goals. They go on to say: “The only response to a gravity problem is acceptance.”
This reminds me of a scripture passage that on first sight seems very strange: “Do not let your hearts be troubled.” Jn 14:1 Why should we not be troubled? Anxiety and worry paralyze us and prevent us from being servants of Gods plan. Why? Because our focus is no longer on his will. Rather we are self-absorbed. Anxiety is a trap?
If we reflect for a moment, “What do we usually worry about and trouble our hearts?” Is it something within our control? Not usually. Is it “actionable”? If we are concerned about something we can do something about, normally we tackle it unless it is a lifetime project like losing weight. No, we normally worry about that which is not in our control: our health, the future of our children, an earthquake etc. “I worry that my daughter will find good friends when she goes to university.” “I am anxious that my spouse will develop Alzheimer’s, as it runs in his family.” We are worried and anxious about “gravity problems”: they are just out of our control, a situation, a circumstance, a fact of life. For that very reason we should not “be anxious or worry about them”. They are a work for God not me.
The very reason we should not let our hearts be troubled with things beyond our control, “gravity problems”, is precisely because they are not in our control. We have no choice but to surrender to God and that act of surrender frees us from worry. Jesus teaches that our only real security is total trust in God’s love for us. Anxiety doesn’t have to drain us of our hope. We are all children of the Father, and God will let no one slip through his hands.
Peace that comes from power over the enemy is always fragile. The peace Christ gives is a peace that captures our hearts because we know we are loved by the Father and his providential love will bring good out of good or evil.
What are some realities that we can address to help some young adults to get unstuck, as they try to give direction to their lives?
- Are there identifiable actions toward achievable goals that are currently being hindered by a gravity problem?
- Can we assist youth to identify three calls that appeal to them in their life? Are any of these to be discounted and not to be persued because of circumstances, constraints, reality? E.g. health, intelligence, family demands, age etc.
- “Designing your life” encourages trying stuff – prototyping is a fundamental part of design thinking. Experimentation is part of organizational change and it should be a fundamental part of designing your life too. Perhaps we, as Oblates, need to realize how important it might be for a young man to “try” religious missionary life. Visit and live with Oblates who enjoy community and are passionate about their ministry with the poor. A young man will gain something from every eventuality, good or bad.
I know the “designing your life” seems a far cry from discovering God’s design for me, but there is a truth that I know: there is more than one of me in here! I need to discern and accept the “gravity problems in my life.” I need to realize that every call I hear, is incarnational. It is heard in the place where I grow up. The call is heard in the witness of those significant others. They call is experienced in the persons I meet. The calls are whispered in the experiences of nature, of compassion, of passion, of sacrifice, of fidelity. “A way-finding young man” may be awakened and touched by the flame of De Mazenod as lived in community and in the mission of the Oblates of Mary Immaculate.
By Ken Forster, OMI
