Listening

As a person of faith, as a leader, pastor, friend, or family member, do you ever have second thoughts about the answers you give to people when they ask questions? The more I pray the more uncomfortable I become with the answers I have given to people when they have asked questions about God, faith, the Church, and life. My discomfort grows because of how God responds to my questions. God listens. God nurtures inner questions in return.

Every living person is faced at one time or another with a question, an issue, a problem that seems to have multiple resolutions but none that are clear. Sometimes we seek the assistance of a spiritual director, a friend, a pastor, a partner, or a co-worker. Sometimes after sharing our question, we feel helped. At other times we feel judged, there is no clarity, the advice is not helpful, with the result that we are more confused than when we started.

When I was studying at St. Paul University, one of our professors/trainers, Diane Pitfield, told us that when people come to us it is helpful to see ourselves as waiters/waitresses; we are there to serve. She suggested we set aside all our learning, our insights and answers and listen. We are servants. Our first question and all subsequent questions ought to be open ended she said. They ought to help the person or persons discover what God is already doing.

Her belief was simple and yet profound; each person made in the image and likeness of God has the inner resources to answer their own questions. They need to sort through their many thoughts and ideas and we help them by our open ended-questions. They don’t need our answers and advice.

The Quakers have an interesting discernment process which models this belief. When someone is struggling they can seek out a Clearness Committee. The purpose of the Clearness Committee is to offer a listening heart to those who are struggling. The individual gathers with the Committee and the members, moved by silence and deep listening, gently ask open ended questions of the one who is in need. The questions aim at helping the person observe and understand their own inner and outer life. There is no judgment, no advice, and no moralizing, just the desire to help the person see with clear eyes what God is doing. From this environment comes insight and the clarity needed for the individual to take the next step.

It seems as if every time we turn around someone is coming out with a new program or product aimed at solving our problems. Sometimes we as leaders are like that too; sharing our latest programs with anyone who will listen. We have answers to every question and we have answers when there are no questions. Often our answers simply add another layer of confusion preventing people from doing what it is that God is asking of them.

Listening is good. Silence is good. Openness is good. As Advent approaches I need to practice listening. As I nurture silence in my life I see that which is Good within others and I see the Good that is within myself.

By Doug Jeffrey, OMI