Reclaiming Community Life

As part of the Core Team it has been my privilege to meet members of the Province who responded to Fr. Louis Lougen’s call to conversion and participated in the Renewal of Life and Mission process.  As much as it was a time of grace for the future of OMI Lacombe Canada, it also challenged us to see how some of society’s values have impeded our response to live radically the religious life expressed by our Constitutions & Rules and our struggle to live Eugene de Mazenod’s dream that we be the most united family on earth. Often, we put so much emphasis on our ministry that we fail to appreciate the vital and life-giving force of the communal dimension of our religious life. Several times in the past three years, I have had Oblates confide in me how lonely they feel, even though they live in the same house with several Oblates or close to members of their BOC. I wonder how prevalent this feeling is for members of the Province? How many Oblates are in situations where they feel their communities are no longer life-giving and supportive?  Is the feeling of loneliness simply the result of the diminishment and aging of the Province? Is there any thing we can do collectively and personally to respond to members who are feeling this loss of connection?

To answer these questions, I would like to share part of a presentation given at a Leadership Conference of Women Religious, titled “Reclaiming Community Life”.  I’m not sure, but I think that the author of this paper is Sr. Carol Zinn, SSJ. The ideas expressed in this paper might be helpful for anyone experiencing a sense of loneliness, especially for those who are no longer in full time ministry.

My dear Sisters and Brothers,

As I look out into this audience, I am both awed and humbled.  What am I doing up here, talking to you about community?  I think before I begin, I need to offer a disclaimer.  Please don’t try this at home.  Seriously, I am not an expert in community and in no way presuppose I can teach you anything about it.  Like yourselves, my intentions are good, I want to be a good community member, but I often don’t deliver.  I can leave prayer, for example, filled with a commitment to be kind and compassionate, only to find myself a few short minutes later, ready to do damage to the car in front of me who just cut me off.  So much for my commitment to kindness and compassion.  But community life is important to me.  I do try to be mindful of community and want it to be a vibrant and wholesome experience for me and for all of us.  So although I am no expert, I sincerely offer what I can.  And that is the experience of working with religious and clergy for many years as a psychologist and as a consultant…listening and sharing with many of you your experiences of living this life we have all chosen.

And so we come to talk about reclaiming community life.  What exactly does that mean?  We are all part of a community.  What do we need to reclaim?  Where did it go?  What’s wrong?  Some months ago, members of our local LCWR were discussing ways of rekindling the fires of community life and helping those who were struggling with contemporary religious life.  They asked if I had any ideas.  Having worked with religious in my private practice, and more recently as director of the Consultation Service for Religious, I have had the privilege of working with individuals from many different congregations.  They asked if I recognized any patterns or trends of behaviors that help or hinder community life.  I was happy to comply but added that I thought the therapists on the Consultation panel, spread out over both dioceses, might also have valuable insights into this topic and I offered to contact them.  My remarks here are a combination of my own experiences and their input.

First, let me say, there are many vibrant, healthy and wholesome local communities among us.  I’ve had the privilege of visiting and working with many of them.  But there are groups where community has slumped, where it is not as alive as it could be, or worse, where it is lacking, no longer life-giving and supportive.  It is in looking at these that we tried to identify the underlying causes.  The dominant theme that emerged was that there was an “emotional loneliness” that existed among many.  Emotional loneliness, as opposed to social loneliness, is the absence of close emotional relationships.  It is a sense that one is not important to others, that no one really cares, no one listens or is appreciative of them.  It is a sense of not being wanted or included.  It is very painful and, unfortunately, not uncommon…not just in religious life, but in the lives of many around us.  Mother Teresa is quoted as saying, “There is more hunger for love and appreciation in the world today than for bread”.  Coming from someone who spent her life among the desperately poor, that is some commentary on our world today.

The causes of emotional loneliness in our convents and monasteries are many and varied.  Some are personal and some situational.  Let me list a few:

• a common one for most of us is the loss in death of friends and loved ones and life-long companions, as one ages. This causes the circle of intimate support to become smaller and smaller.  We have fewer friends and loved ones around who know us and who have shared life with us.  This can be a very painful experience
• changes in living situations or moving frequently, make communication and connection more difficult. We have to work at keeping in touch with others, making plans rather than just relying on spontaneous meetings, for example.  As we age, we may sometimes not want to put in the energy needed to maintain old relationships or to start all over again establishing new relationships.
• different schedule in local houses makes making time for anything other than business or superficial conversations difficult. In days past, most of us were involved in the same ministry, serving in the same parish, school or hospital.  All on the same schedule, we did most things together.  Now, we are involved in many different ministries; traveling distances to work and most often, being the only one in the house going there.  Sometimes, these days, we can live as “ships passing in the night”.
• loss of structures. With most communities today, no longer having a “superior” there often is no one who takes responsibility for problems that might arise in community life.  Previously, the superior would be the one challenging, intervening or offering help when someone was troubled or in need.  When left to the “group” now, sometimes nothing gets done.  Situations are left unattended to, and problems can worsen.  The most that some communities do is to ask the leadership team to make things better or find a solution.
• Sometimes loneliness develops in individuals having difficulty with life. Faced with disappointments and frustrations, physical diminishment and chronic pain, they become bitter, angry and depressed, withdrawn, and often difficult to live with.

Some, or all of these situations, loss, change, schedules, ageing, etc., can lead to emotional loneliness.  People can be living with a few or many and still feel disconnected and lonely.  There may be a superficial pleasantness, but little depth or real intimacy.  In turn, that loneliness can lead to such things as apathy, or more seriously, depression, anger and addictive behaviors, such as eating disorders, alcoholism or drug addiction, excessive shopping or gambling.  We are often tempted by our materialistic society to fill up our emptiness or escape our pain with whatever is near…healthy or not.  It is difficult to acknowledge but true nonetheless that some in our convents and monasteries are starving, not for bread, but for connection, for community.  Not addressing this will result in a tremendous emotional, physical, spiritual and financial toll.

And so the topic for this afternoon “reclaiming community life”; skills for healthy communal living” is both a complex and a simple one.  Complex, because whenever a situation involves humans it becomes complicated.  I’m reminded of a favorite comic strip of mine, Peanuts with Charlie Brown and his therapist, Lucy.  In this one, Charlie goes to see Lucy Van Pelt, who offers “flawless advice”.  “My trouble” Charlie says, “is I never know if I’m doing the right thing.  I need to have someone who can tell me when I’m doing the right thing” “Okay,” says Lucy, “you’re doing the right thing…that will be 5 cents please!”  Charlie walks away and turns and comes back.  “Back already,” says Lucy, “what happened?” “I was wrong,” says Charlie, “it didn’t help…you need more in life than just having someone around to tell you when you’re doing the right thing” Lucy replies: “Now you’ve REALLY learned something.  That’ll be another five cents,

Remember, community involves two entities: Me and everybody else.  Seriously, we must look at ourselves in the mirror first.  Am I willing to reach out, to change, to admit my flaws?  One poet and novelist, Rita Mae Brown, writes “The statistics on sanity are that 1 out of every 4 Americans have some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they’re OK then it’s YOU” So the problem in community could be ME not them.  I have to look at myself, honestly and see what I must change.  So, sometimes, the problem can be me.

Or sometimes the lack of a healthy supportive community could be because there are some “difficult” people living there.  This is where the “martyrdom” part of community life comes in.  Can we continue to reach out in concern and compassion and offer help or care to those who are troubled; to overlook the annoyances, to forgive, to give the benefit of the doubt to the motivation of others?  Or do we simply give up or back away?  After all, I’m not the superior.  But are we, as a group, with or without a superior, responsible for one another?  Do we ignore situations, or with great compassion and sensitivity, address them?  We may not be able to fix every problem or cure every illness, but can we “stay in the struggle”?

In addition to looking at ourselves and our communities, we must also recognize and accept that our lives and the structure of religious life have changed since we entered.  We are different: we are older, for the most part, and facing challenges because of that.  And religious life, in some basic ways, has changed: we are fewer in number, we are involved in many more new and different ministries, we are more independent, more educated, more professional than many in the past, and perhaps, more stressed as we accept new responsibilities not common in the past, such as care of elderly parents or family members, finding our own employment in ministry, arranging for housing, etc…So we are different and we must work with this!  Not just bemoan the loss of our youth, or yearn for the “good old days”.  But rather to acknowledge the blessings of the second half of life and rejoice in the marvelous ministries that the Spirit has led us into.

So let’s look in the mirror, once again.  Most of us are not in our youth.  We are in the second half of life with its own challenges and blessings.  Ours is not the struggle to find our own identity and life’s work, to be the “movers and shakers”.  Rather, our role now, is to be the elder; to make peace with our selves and others, and with our own restlessness.  To recognize our identity is not rooted in what we do, but in who we are!  The tasks of this time of our life involve “generativity”, caring for others; carrying others forward on our strengths, not asking to be carried; being the ones who “keep the family together” as it were; passing on the fire; encouraging the youth, sharing the wisdom of our experiences without dampening the spirit of creativity and altruism of those coming after us.

Renowned author and General Superior for his congregation, Ron Rolheiser, in speaking on this topic at Boston College, emphasized two important tasks at this time in our life: focusing on forgiveness and “dethroning” ourselves as the center of life.  As for forgiveness, Rolheiser, in his own engaging way, says we must “stop whining, so we don’t die an angry and bitter person”.  Paraphrasing his presentation, we must forgive the injury and hurts of the past.  We’ve all been dropped on our heads as infants and many times since.  We have all been hurt and disappointed.

We tend to hold on to these old made glorious again…by new meetings, new moments, new spirit…  We need to reach out first.  We need to make ourselves interesting again.  We need to learn again how to invite people into our lives, to watch the game or play card together, in to eat or read books together.” We need to take time to truly listen to one another, to hear the real story beneath the words; to connect with each other on a different and deeper level; to form bonds that support and uplift one another, that help us truly share life.

And so, in order to revitalize our sense of community, we need to want to do the work.  And the best way to foster this attitude is to recapture our original commitment and enthusiasm to live the Gospel.  Although we do not want to romanticize the gospel mandate, we do need to remind ourselves of WHY we are here.  We entered religious life, 30, 40, 50 or more years ago, I would presume, because we felt called to follow Jesus, to love as He did.  He died rather than compromise his mission to bring all to union with Him and the Father.  He offered himself to sinners, lepers, outcasts, women and men, Jew and gentile.  His own “special community” whom he traveled with, ate with, served with and shared his identity with, was made up of very ordinary, human men and women, who when scared, abandoned him.  But he forgave them and drew them back into communion with him.  If we are to follow Jesus, then we too must strive for community with all, but even more with those with whom we share our journey.  We must share ourselves with them, consciously living in communion, which is much more than external connection, but involves a deep self-giving.  Reaching out, not giving up on others, showing compassion, forgiving one another, celebrating and rejoicing in one another.  This is not easy.  Our band of comrades is no holier that the one Jesus drew around himself.  It is a daily martyrdom.  But it is also in communion with others that we become whole.  We must pray about this, alone and together.  We must keep it before us, every day.  Perhaps post it on our refrigerators, our bathroom mirror or the dashboard of our car.  Whatever, we must remember, who we follow, what we chose, and chose it again.

In closing then, my friends, to revitalize community life, we must want to do the work and recommit ourselves to the Gospel mandate to love one another.

And we must increase our awareness and sensitivity to the challenges of our current reality, particularly of being older and having a different life style.  Community life is the same, in that it is still based on the Gospel.  But it is also different, because WE are different.  So to summarize some healthy attitudes and behaviors:

Let us              Reaffirm our commitment to community

                        Learn to forgive easily, and ask for it often

                        Become a blessing elder, a person of gratitude and generosity

                        Reach out to the lonely or troubled, with a listening heart

                        Pursue new ways of relating, inviting people into our life

                        Take responsibility for our part in building up, or tearing down, community

                        Get involved in healthy behaviors: exercise or nutrition groups, discussion or book clubs, and, when needed, seek professional guidance

                        And most of all, ask for help in prayer; for wherever two or three are gathered, God has guaranteed His presence.

Submitted by Jim Bleackley, OMI